Friday, February 26, 2010

Kick it in the Crotch!

Who's ready to kick it in the crotch? This is what's chappin this week.......

1. Anything Gosselin

2. Wildcard

3. People not leaving voicemails

4. Headaches

5. Ed Hardy crap

6. Dudes wearing boys that's it, no more accessorizing for you!

7. Kourtney Kardashian's baby douche lord.

8. Puka Shell necklaces.........are you really not dead yet?

9. John Edwards

10. Sarah Palin

11. Toe thumbs..........(thumbs that look like toes, FREAKY)

12. Toe Rings

13. Miley Cyrus

14. Spencer and Heidi Pratt

15. bare butts

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Operation Hamster Drop

The following story is true. Once there was a boy named Cody Christensen who wanted to get rich quick, Cody racked his brain and came up with a "brilliant" idea, hamster breeding. Seriously? Yes seriously he and a friend of his (they were about 16 or 17) bought a male and a female hamster and let them "go to work".  I remember they named the female hamster Moates which is some 80's rock name and I'm sure the male had an equally ghetto and shifty name like Gene Simmons or Axel Rose. Well, these young boys didn't read up on hamsters as much as they should have so when Moates got pregnant and had her pint sized babies they didn't take "Axel Rose" out soon enough and he ingested them. Any animal that eats their own offspring probably shouldn't exist, just sayin.....   Well this little mishap didn't stop them, no no these were persistent teenagers so they went for round two and this time they took "Gene Simmons" out at the appropriate time.  This girl Moates was carrying a grip load of baby hamsters in her womb, she had 8-10 babies and Cody thought he was a rich man for sure.  I'm going to assume that these two boys never understood supply and demand.  Cody, of course came to Kate and I and told us to spread the word, well sadly our friends wanted hamsters but their parents didn't.  Soon Cody and his friend were left with a bunch of hamsters they didn't want to take care of so they started giving them away.  Surprisingly, kids were crazy for free hamsters so they went fast, I got 1 and Kate got 2. The naming of these hamsters was difficult but I finally settled on Topanga (yes I am that awesome) and Kate named one of hers George and the other one JTT (short for Jonathon Taylor Thomas).  Holler!

Well taking care of hamsters is a lot of work so after a few months I was sick of Pangers and she was smelling up my room which I just couldn't stand for.  Cody was also sick of Moates and "Axel Rose" so he called Petsmart and asked if they wanted some more hamsters, bad news Petsmart was chuck full of hamsters so it was a no go.  Luckily, my mother had a brilliant idea which we entitled "Operation Hamster Drop." My Mom and Cody both put on large sweatshirts and stuffed our hamsters up the sleeves (no animals were injured in this process) then they walked into Petsmart and pretended like they were petting the little hamsters in the cage, while no one was looking they quickly dumped the hamsters out of their sleeves and abandoned our large towering hamsters with the babies.  Kate wasn't ready to get rid of George and JTT yet so there was actually a round II of this brilliant plan a few months later.  I'd just like to publicly thank my mom for letting go of her dignity and pride in order to make Operation Hamster Drop successful. 

P.S I love weird pictures of animals.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Kick in the crotch Friday!!!!!!

hey y'all. it's baaaaaack! things i want to kick in the crotch fridays. i gotta tell ya, this exercise actually makes me feel better. ok, here we go, i'd like to kick the following things/people in the crotch:

people who lie for no reason at all
stepping in dog crap
stepping in something wet while wearing socks
trya banks
lady gaga
tiger woods
ingrown toenails!!!!!!!!!!!!
bear lake
little yippy dogs who think they're so tough
slipping on ice
waiting for your car to warm up
rosa's gas
that horse who bit my boob with its giant horse teeth (this will be on the list every week)
science (i just don't get it)
taking down wallpaper
the Lakers and their fans
people who don't enjoy a good seinfeld episode
bill nye the science guy
getting snow up your shirt (you know what I'm talkin about Beck)
pepsi/diet pepsi

now it's your turn. love, kate

Friday, February 12, 2010

Things I want to kick in the crotch Fridays!

Something brill has just happened to twoladiesandnobaby, every Friday we will be posting things we want to kick in the crotch.  Are you feeling ticked off, irritated, or just down right ornery? Good news we have a solution for you......kick whatever is bothering you in the crotch.

This week I want to kick the following things/people square in the crotch:

static hair
big decisions
the horse that bit kate's boob a few years ago, that was seriously uncalled for
legislators who want to take my retirement away
the Lakers
boys that have the "bigger and better" syndrome
job hunting/interviews
boys who give you stuffed animals
annoying children/adolescents
not being able to park in expectant mother's parking stalls

What else is chapping your hide?

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Life in the Coal Mines

I teach 2nd grade, therefore my job can sometimes be bizarre and hilarious. A few days ago a certain girl who seriously tests my patience like no one else and if I survive the year with her should guarantee me a ticket to the celestial kingdom or at least Hawaii for the summer, said to me "Miss C. my bottom feels really big right now." God bless kids and their weird honesty, I laughed right in her face.

Ally on the other hand works with adults and one adult in particular (her boss) who I think is a riot. He calls her into his office to talk about her dating life and they end up looking up these guys she's talking about online, then he proceeds to tell her "the game plan" she should put into play. When she says phrases like, "ya but he's so cute, sometimes you have to look away he's so good looking" he responds with "zolly that's the stupidest thing you've ever said." This boss of hers also called a meeting entitled "the confessional" where he confessed to saying the s word to a client. What was the context you wonder....well don't worry this all came out in the confessional. The client and "bossman" were arguing back and forth for a long period of time, it was a heated argument and the client said, "you are a worthless employee, what is your job exactly?" The boss replied quickly with "well apparently it is to put up with your shit."

Wherever you are and whatever you're doing may you occasionally get to experience moments where you feel like you're on a Seinfeld episode.